Oh, this is new. I feel ashamed even being on this site. No, WW isn't a bad place or anything. If anything, it's amazing. Nah, the problem is that I think that I don't belong here, that I'm wasting everyone's time, that the community is too tight-knit between the older members to allow a newbie to join in, that I'm being a little mandarin to everyone and not even realizing it until now, that I'm the one rude person in this community, that I am so goddamned trivial that nothing I do even matters.. yeah, that stuff.
…Great. I'm crying as I type this. Hooray, how pathetic of me. I'm that person, huh? Do I even deserve to be typing this? I've heard so many people say “Crying is fine, it's okay to let go of restraints,” but it certainly doesn't feel that way. It feels freaking horrible.
I'm looking too much into this, aren't I? One thing's for sure, I trivialize my own worries a lot. Ding ding, one point on the low self-esteem meter! Why am I even rambling like this. Is it really banged into my head that confessing weakness is… well, weak? Wow, now I'm concerned on a number of levels about my mental stability.
Oh, another bad thing: I keep trying to validate and justify myself. Why? Because I feel like nobody else ever will. I suppose it's self-imposed, what with the isolation and lack of people to talk to offline. I just bottle up my emotions and every part of me that's just yelling please come close to me please help me please tell me that I'm actually useful and then I finally snap and spill everything on the Internet, preferably somewhere it can be erased when I start freaking out again.
Did I mention that I'm an ISTP? I'm actually quite emotional; I stay distant and aloof because I'm overly sensitive and regularly have emotional “breakdowns”. I don't like being seen when I'm having them, I don't like being comforted while having them because it just reminds me how pitiful I must look… but I want to have comfort. I want to be noticed for once. Maybe I'll have one of my breakdowns in public, at least one person will look concerned, if they don't drag me to the closest hospital.
I keep on casually mentioning my flaws everywhere I go. Maybe I peg myself as a cynic here, say I'm an idiot there, etc. I just keep trying to lower everyone's expectations for me, so they don't think that I'm some high-and-mighty person or remotely good at communicating, so they actually expect me to be having breakdowns in the bathroom. It's pathetic, it lowers their views of me so much that they don't expect anything good out of me… but at least there isn't any pressure to be amazing, right?